yeah. gracie loved montana. you would too if you came to visit. pshhhhhhhhh.
somedays i worry that i will never love anyone as much as i love him.
ANYWAYS...
hello.
this is my rant for today.
“SAY WHAT YOU MEAN………
Seems like practically everything I say these days, is just completely shut the fuck down. “I’m taking my permit test tomorrow.” “Why? What would be the point in that? Goals are good but not when they’re useless. It won’t do you any good and it’s just a waste of money.” I mean, you were right (as usual) but sometimes I wish you would lie to me in order to do that whole “support” thing. – although I should be happy you’re speaking to me at all at this point –
It’s just, you know, for a moment there I was kind of happy about something. The fact that I was going to accomplish something I’d always wanted to. However, you were 100% right, and you always have the facts to support it. And not that I blatantly followed your advice, you just pointed out that it was a pretty stupid idea and after hearing it I realized the same thing. Wish I could realize that more of my ideas were stupid myself, but then I would have NO ideas since I nearly always think they’re stupid anyways.
It’s just confusing that you tell me to make my own decisions and do what I want to do and listen to myself, but then remind me that quite rarely are my ideas acceptable ones. Fucking Murphy’s Law or something….The one time that my intuition was RIGHT, I didn’t follow it as I assumed it was wrong yet again. I’m trying not to dwell on that situation though. Discussing my intuition to get a second opinion sounds like a good idea, but then of course I get the “Don’t ask me. I can’t be there and help you all the time. Don’t be HIGH MAITENANCE.”
Whenever I talk to you I say good things because when I say bad things you remind me that if I had only listened to you in the first place, this would have worked out wonderfully. I need to “LEARN TO TALK” but when I try to talk and say what I mean, it really just ends up worse than if I would have just let it bother myself and not opened my fucking wretched mouth.
……….MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.”
And I never word things right, and everyone knows this.
“Well maybe if you would take 25 fucking minutes of your life to put it in your mind that you need to think of how you’re gonna say something so you don’t sound like a shallow bitch…….!” ((well I’ve done that darling, and for quite longer than 25 minutes, many many times. and I personally thought I was getting better. But scratch that idea. Because in your book getting better is good for a limited time only, and now that you’ve known me for nearly a year, I should be just fucking awesome with things like this.))
“blah blah blah blah (you don’t say anything on the phone so I speak of anything for the sake of not having 900 akward silences) oh and yeah so im just really worried about it.” But that’s right I SHOULDN’T worry about it. (by the way, sweet heart, when you have anxiety this severe you know you shouldn’t worry about it. Doesn’t make a difference though.) Which means you’ll be upset if next time we speak you hear that I still am. There’s that whole “TALK TO ME, SAY WHAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY THINKING” thing biting me in the ass again.
It sounds so teenage girl, but it’s like I can’t do anything the right enough way for you or myself or anyone these days.
i mean basically, if you want to hear what im actually thinking, and you want to hear good things…………….
Well those two don’t exist together.
So I guess we’re both out of luck if honesty’s the policy.
love you quite very much,
.natasha.katrina. | 
I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! 